done

We have done a cross country move once again. I forgot how stressful it was to move yourself, as opposed to the Army doing it for you. It took an entire day to move all of our things out, pack them into the uhaul, then pack them into storage, and clean out the apartment. If I didn't have friends to help I would have lost it. Seriously.

We had a family host us for two nights and one day as we cleared out of our apartment. They are the sweetest family ever, such a good example for a young family like ours. They took days off work to help us, to accommodate us, and to make sure we were comfortable. Who does that? It makes me wonder how many of my friends back home would do it. Not that I'd expect it or deserve it, but it astounds me- their level of love and selflessness. It felt like we we're already on vacation, we hung out and got things done but it felt so much better than staying at a hotel.

During the first week of our vacation we had our car towed and basement flooded. It was a little stressful but we moved past it fairly quickly. We need to enjoy our time as best as possible without outside stress ruining our time. It feels like a ticking time bomb now, just counting down the days until Joel leaves. I want to cherish every moment that he is still around. It's been a lot of fun and we've actually been taking advantage of the fact that Sophia is in bed by 7:30 and my mom is home so we can go out. We've gone to dinner, to the movies, and shopping. I just hope things continue to run smoothly.

Until, he's gone...

its coming

We had our first FRG meeting and now the deployment cloud really is hanging over my head. It's like a little rain cloud damping up my Georgia sunshine. I'm getting all teary eyed for no reason once again. It hit me like BAM! YOUREHUSBANDISGOINGTOLEAVEFORNINEMONTHS. This is just horrible.
okay, i'm done being a drama queen. Wait, no I'm not.

I mean, look at this.

Isn't it just lovely? It melts my heart every time I see it. She loves her Daddy so much. I don't look forward to the day he doesn't "Come home from work". She loves that time, it's their special time. My child will play by herself all day long; she crawls, "reads", explores, and eats. BUT the moment Daddy is home she is glued to his side. What are we going to do? Well, for starters, I need to borrow someone's video camera and we are going to record him reading bedtime stories :) I plan on having her watch one every night. I need to stop procrastinating ASAP. I hope she doesn't forget her Daddy during these nine months. I hope I can give her enough love from the both of us to get us through it! Love you Daddy

slacker

Um, oops? I haven't updated in a really long time. I guess I'm slacking! We went a nice long (is 10 days long?) family vacation. We headed to Chicago to visit family and enjoyed it so much that I decided to move back. My decision is firm now and I will certainly be moving. It was hard to come back to Columbus, it's never been this hard to leave family.

 I've had a pretty hard time adjusting in Columbus. I'm not sure if it's because I have a baby now and no car, which means I cant go anywhere or just the lack of fellowship. I just feel like everyone is so busy, like time doesn't stop at all. I hate it. I really loved being at other posts because I was able to sorta join other families. I never felt left out, and we always had several homes open to us to just stop by and hang out. It felt nice, warm, and welcoming. Being here, I don't get that. I know there are a lot of people that love us and will have us over, but it's never like "hey, I'm bored" or "hey, I'm having a bad day, can I come over?". I feel like we have to have a formal invitation to be welcome for a few hours. There's just so much going on. I don't blame anyone, but it's been hard.

I guess I've had it too good for too long huh? I love my church, and I love my friends... but I need more closeness. I will need it even more when Joel leaves. I can't stand the thought of not being able to just drop in on someone when the loneliness hits me. That's why I'm going home. I will keep myself busy with my best friend and family. If I ever need a day alone or some shopping to just push the loneliness away, I know I have my mom and mil. They love my daughter and that comforts me. It makes me happy to know that I can drop in and have them enjoy her for a few months since she's been away from them most of their lives.

For now, I have four weeks to pack, find somewhere to store our stuff, figure out how to haul a trailer and move cross country for the fourth time in FOUR YEARS :) gotta love the army!

honestly frustrated

I don't know how to be honest with myself about the feelings of frustration I've had to deal with. This is something I wish someone told me about. I know they said motherhood would be hard, but I never really gave this a second thought. It was always in the back of my mind but not something that I really meditated on.

I love my daughter beyond words, she's one of the greatest things to ever happen to me! She brings me so much love and joy every single day. When she was born it was pure bliss, seriously- I hardly slept! I was so enamored with this precious little baby. She was born with a full head of beautiful brown hair and big brown eyes- I was so in love!

Now that she is seven months old, crawling, and exploring the world of shrieking and frustration- well now it's a different ball game. I wish someone would have told me that this was normal, that this didn't make me a bad mother. That sometimes wanting to just "sit" was normal, we all get tired after all!

I admit there are times, like two nights ago, that are totally wrong but it happens to all of us. Sophia woke up from her nap, and I popped in a workout video thinking she would be okay to play through it. WRONG. She kinda whined and moaned through the first ten minutes and I Was SO frustrated because I knew she didn't want anything! A few minutes later I felt beyond horrible because I knew it was just my selfishness. It's all perspective and heart after all. We have good days and we have bad days, but it all depends on how *I* feel because she never really does anything different (unless she's teething). She's a sweet little baby just trying to communicate her frustrations, she doesn't know that whining all day is draining to mommy's ears :) 

This may seem stupid to some because she's only seven months but I shut the video off and talked to her. I told her I was sorry for being selfish and thanked God for showing me that. I was feeling drained and just played with her instead, that's all she wanted. I hope that as she gets older I will be able to communicate my failures and sin in hopes of her coming to understand grace.

Pooped

Today we have no cute pictures, because it wasn't a cute day. Sophia had one of her diva days. She woke up moody, which then made me moody. Some days she needs some extra lovin, it just so happened that it was today, when Joel was working a 24 hour shift and it was close to 100 degree's -or so it seemed.

Every time we walked out into the car she threw a mini fit as I was strapping her in. She wiggled her chubby little thighs, and it just complicated things more than it should have. We drove to church and listened to a sermon on stress, which totally convicted me. I was so stressed out about Joel working 24 hours straight and driving him in the morning just to forget my I.D.- but thankfully I was let into post (shh don't tell anyone). It seemed like everywhere we went she was miserable. She is typically a really laid back mellow baby, which makes days like today seem a lot worse than they really are. We drove on post three times, once to drop him off, second time for lunch, and third for dinner. Sophia fell a sleep 30 minutes later than her usual bed time, but hopefully she will have a better morning tomorrow.

Now, I am considering having a third cup of coffee, don't worry I only have one everyday. It's just one of those days...